Review of the Old

I've been through a lot this year but not enough.

We are a few weeks shy of 2010 and I am still in my office chair. An office chair that doesn't belong to me. Grant it, the chair imprints its wheels on carpet laid over concrere in a new 37,000 sq. ft. building and I am now sheltered by 3 walls without a ceiling (a cubicle), but the fact remains it's not my chair.

I am not happy here yet I realize it's not because morale is at an all time low, there's terrible communication, there's no teamwork, value, or appreciation for what we do, and everyone is underpaid.

No, I am unhappy here because I haven't decided that I love what I do or what I am doing is the right thing for me.

Overall, my life has been a settlement. I settle for being good at things but not excellent.

My glory days consist of wining 1st place in a UIL Picture Memory Contest over (20) twenty years ago.

All else after that is a blur of confusion, anger, displacement, rebellion, and victimization.

My innate desire presses me to strive for excellence yet my ego resists. My ego resists.

"What fear do you have, love, in moving forward into a place with more light to shine?" I

n the past, this was fine. Yes, settlement was ok because I didn't know any better.

This is a perfect time (perhaps not the right place) for reflection of all that has come to pass.

Reflection - without it and another year would go by and I would remain uneducated; standing still with no glory or grace.

Can I pride myself in my own ignorance? I scoff at my avoidance, my tendency to withdraw into blankness and desire for self-victimization yet I can be thankful that I am awakening to a different world.

A world that I create and am responsible and accountable for 100%.

Will I live it?

I can review my life in a different light and perceive what may not have been harvested through my own avoidance; blindness.

In retrospect, the biggest step I made was leaving a married life that was not suitable for my peace of mind. It was not suitable...why?

Our growth was essential and our paths were stringed along without appreciation and respect for our differences, and resentments were nurtured. We were fulfulling the prophecy of an American Dream. Am I truly a non-conformist?

The conformity without bliss was poison. How could we love one another when we didn't have time to learn how to appreciate ourselves and our capabilties. We were being transformed into machines - day in and day out, doing, living in absent-mindedness of our creative souls; dying.

So, I pick up the spoon and eat.

Will my (30) thirty be a climatic turning point?

I have met whimisical love, despair and despondency, rejection, excessive indulgence but I haven't met myself yet.

Everyone in this world has something to share. Everyone in this world has a mark to make. The choice is to make it or to continue on settling for second rate.

This body, mind, and soul is not second rate. My past experience may have led me to conclude such folly but the past is history that does not need to repeat itself.